I have been wanting to write about my late mother for the longest time. I do get questions like how have I been coping with her absence and I know there are times some of you want to ask but didn't because you want to avoid bringing it up. I know I have been very worrying to many of you. And yes, thank you for NOT asking me in person because I still find it difficult to talk about my late mother even after 6 months now. I will still see tears rolling down my cheeks every time I think of her and pray to her. Everyone says time heals everything, but no one can guarantee how long is the period. Up till today, it hurts me every inch once I think about how she just left us without saying anything. It pains me, but I can't do anything besides letting her go.
Today I'm taking the courage to write about it because I want to acknowledge this grief instead of avoiding it. It has been 6 months now. I might not be grieving as intensely now but that doesn't mean that the days has been any easier for me, to be honest. Well, people around me are slowly to be unaware and oblivious about the loss I faced - which is good! As much as I want to clearly describe the pain I have been going through in words, but seriously, unless you have experienced losing a parent at a young age, else no one could exactly understand how I feel. It is something I find it 'ridiculous' that I would just tear out of no where. I don't have the right words to tell you. The feeling is inevitable. But I hope you understand and it is not easy for me. And I supposed it is okay to feel this way, right? (Tell me if it's not!)
I call my mother, mami. Being the youngest and the only daughter, I am always and only close to mami in the family. She's not only a mother to me, she is my closest friend, buddy and even a soul mate. I can't even find a better travel partner such as her where she is always so compromising and tolerating with me. I can't even find a better shopping buddy who would complain how much I shop but still pay for my shopping. I can't even describe how supportive she has been with me through the ups and downs in my life especially when I was experiencing my worst heart break. She knew it that he is definitely the wrong guy but she was there for me giving me comfort. Back then I was stubborn I didn't listen to her, but now I want to tell her the courage I took to move on and I did it. I want her to be proud of me. I miss my mami a lot a lot. There are times I just broke down when I realised I have no one to talk to at home anymore. No one would come to my room at night just to check on me. I used to find it annoying, but now she's really NOT gonna come in to my room anymore. I am not going to hear her voice anymore. I am not going to see 'Dorrie Teh' on my incoming call alert anymore. I am not going to see her reply me on whatsapp anymore.
Mami has been fighting for rheumatoid arthritis and heart disease for many years despite her healthy lifestyle. I knew she was suffering but I didn't know it can be THIS bad. On the day when she admitted to hospital she told me she was just going for a body check up, but end up she has never left the hospital since. She texted me in the afternoon telling me she has admitted to ICU in Pantai Bangsar and asked me to only visit her when I finished work. I broke down immediately in the office. I was worried, and I was just scared. I was scared of the worst could happen. I couldn't held it anymore, so I texted my boss and left the office to the hospital. When I first saw her in the ICU with all the devices next to her, I felt so bad and helpless. Why did she have to go through so much pain!
For the next few days, I skipped work and spend as much time as I could with her. But because she's staying in the ICU and ICU has a strict visiting time, I only have 4 hours a day to see her. I try to sneak in as many times as I could giving excuses to the nurses, because that was what I could do the best at that time - be there for my mami. I remembered one of the last conversations I had with her was talking about places to visit after she has recovered. Every time I think about this just make me feel so bitter.
It is unfortunate that on the third night in the ICU - just the night before her scheduled angioplasty procedure (surgery to widen blocked arteries), her condition got worse and she was observed with stroke. At that point of time, half of her body was already paralysed. It torn my heart when I saw her. She couldn't recognise any of us. She couldn't talk. She couldn't move. The night itself she went into comma and she passed away the next morning. It was a cruel fact that I was in the room seeing her on the actual moment when she passed. It was...painful. More than painful. Even if I cried and begged so much to the God, but I gotta accept the fact that I am not gonna see mami anymore. She fought so hard the past few nights when she was in ICU, but I know she is in much better place now after enduring so much pain. I totally wasn't mentally prepared for this and I was just lost. A series of regrets just flow into my mind. I regretted so much for not being the best daughter when she was always the greatest mami to me for always putting my needs before herself. I regretted not taking good care of her. My heart sank. My dad lost her beloved wife. My siblings and I lost our dearest mother. Chiyan lost her favourite Ah Ma.
I know that I'm still going to be upset for the rest of my life, but I have accepted that some things are beyond our control. I forgave myself. I also accepted that I'm fated to be with my mami for only 24 years and that's not too bad! As much as I hope that she is here with me, but I'm truly happy that she is at a world with no suffer now.
I am thankful and blessed to have mami with me the past 24 years. She made me who I am today. I thank her for making me an independent, confident and all the good qualities person. I know that because of my rebellious, she was always worried about me. But today I want to tell her that - I am all good and I will grow to be a better and happier person, don't have to worry about me. I hope that she will understand whatever decisions I made and chose. I hope she will bless me in every way.
Till we meet again, my dear mami. You'll be missed and loved forever ever.
Mami has been fighting for rheumatoid arthritis and heart disease for many years despite her healthy lifestyle. I knew she was suffering but I didn't know it can be THIS bad. On the day when she admitted to hospital she told me she was just going for a body check up, but end up she has never left the hospital since. She texted me in the afternoon telling me she has admitted to ICU in Pantai Bangsar and asked me to only visit her when I finished work. I broke down immediately in the office. I was worried, and I was just scared. I was scared of the worst could happen. I couldn't held it anymore, so I texted my boss and left the office to the hospital. When I first saw her in the ICU with all the devices next to her, I felt so bad and helpless. Why did she have to go through so much pain!
For the next few days, I skipped work and spend as much time as I could with her. But because she's staying in the ICU and ICU has a strict visiting time, I only have 4 hours a day to see her. I try to sneak in as many times as I could giving excuses to the nurses, because that was what I could do the best at that time - be there for my mami. I remembered one of the last conversations I had with her was talking about places to visit after she has recovered. Every time I think about this just make me feel so bitter.
It is unfortunate that on the third night in the ICU - just the night before her scheduled angioplasty procedure (surgery to widen blocked arteries), her condition got worse and she was observed with stroke. At that point of time, half of her body was already paralysed. It torn my heart when I saw her. She couldn't recognise any of us. She couldn't talk. She couldn't move. The night itself she went into comma and she passed away the next morning. It was a cruel fact that I was in the room seeing her on the actual moment when she passed. It was...painful. More than painful. Even if I cried and begged so much to the God, but I gotta accept the fact that I am not gonna see mami anymore. She fought so hard the past few nights when she was in ICU, but I know she is in much better place now after enduring so much pain. I totally wasn't mentally prepared for this and I was just lost. A series of regrets just flow into my mind. I regretted so much for not being the best daughter when she was always the greatest mami to me for always putting my needs before herself. I regretted not taking good care of her. My heart sank. My dad lost her beloved wife. My siblings and I lost our dearest mother. Chiyan lost her favourite Ah Ma.
I know that I'm still going to be upset for the rest of my life, but I have accepted that some things are beyond our control. I forgave myself. I also accepted that I'm fated to be with my mami for only 24 years and that's not too bad! As much as I hope that she is here with me, but I'm truly happy that she is at a world with no suffer now.
I am thankful and blessed to have mami with me the past 24 years. She made me who I am today. I thank her for making me an independent, confident and all the good qualities person. I know that because of my rebellious, she was always worried about me. But today I want to tell her that - I am all good and I will grow to be a better and happier person, don't have to worry about me. I hope that she will understand whatever decisions I made and chose. I hope she will bless me in every way.
Till we meet again, my dear mami. You'll be missed and loved forever ever.